No room for selfishness in D/s
Saturday the 8th of February, 2014
Growing up, my mentor was my martial arts instructor.
He was/is like a father to me.
His method of teaching, was with humility, and respect for everyone as equals, no matter who they are, where they are in life, their age or experience, he believes that everyone brings something to the table. No matter what he could teach us, we could all teach him something we know.
So, through trial an error, I have gotten comfortable in the position of a Dom. I remain humble, and a lot of submissives are shocked, repulsed or pleasantly surprise (and sometimes spoiled) by the respect and understanding I show them.
The fact is that I don’t punish a girl for being human, as most Doms would.
Anytime I see my submissive failing at something, I take personal responsibility for it.
Just like a college professor once said… when he sees such low scores across the board, he doesn’t blame his students, he blames himself for not teaching well enough.
So, as I said, through trial and error, by talking to submissives and by making my own mistakes… finding out what works and what doesn’t work (mostly, what doesn’t) I have discovered that being a Dom is nothing like the way it’s portrayed, or idealized. I’ve discovered the reality of the role. The selflessness of the role.
Simultaneously I’ve discovered how fake and unrealistic submissives can be.
I’ve learned to see through a kinky girl trying to be submissive when in reality she just wants to be pleased, she wants her fantasy, and it doesn’t involve being truly submissive. It involves being Dominated…
In other words, receiving and not giving.
So when I meet a girl I’m interested in, I ask them, what turns you on about being in a D/s relationship, and it’s a red flag if they say “Being told what to do. Being tasked, being beaten”, etc.
If their top priority is having something done to them or for them, then they are not in it for the right reasons.
A submissive needs to live to serve. They need to want to please. What turns them on should be that they have pleased their Dom.
Giving. Pleasing. Serving.
And so, it should go without saying that someone so selfless deserves to be protected, fulfilled, loved, adored, respected, and spoiled… Because a person like that is a miracle… a true pleasure to be around. A person like that can be so easily hurt and manipulated. They need a true friend, a true lover, a true Dom.
I believe a true Dom is just as selfless. Just as giving.
The tasks, being sexually pleased, being served… it’s icing on the cake. It’s the perk of caring for a submissive. It’s not the goal, or the focus of being a Dom.
In the beginning, I think we see things backwards.
We see the benefits of the relationship as if they are the purpose of the relationship.
That’s like having a kid in order to be loved and be listened to.
We own property for that.
We own pets, and cars, and TVs and computers, and we own phones and houses… we buy things and own things in order to use them and receive the benefit of these things.
We care for pets for the companionship and for the affection they give. We value items and things for what they do for us.
But when it comes to human beings, we value them for their input, for their character, for their communication, for their creativity. We value a human being for their personality… Not just for what they can do for us. Never just for what we can get out of them.
If you take responsibility for a human being in order to receive something from them, you’re doing it wrong.
It’s going to go badly. There’s going to be resentment and disappointment and arguments and sadness and loneliness, distrust.
If you take responsibility for a person in order to benefit their life, because you think they are amazing… then, as long as you’ve captured yourself a selfless, true person, then the relationship, D/s or otherwise, will be fulfilling on both ends.
Give up your selfishness… Do not give up your self-preservation, self-respect, or your needs and dreams… But give up the greed and drop the unrealistic expectations and preconceived notions.
Your submissive or your Dom will thank you.
Reblog with your Personality types bolded, for your own reference, or for your followers to get to know you better! Add some others if you know any (such as Hogwarts houses: not a typical personality test, but they give other people insight into what you’re like!) Ones with free online tests are linked.
Zodiac: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces.
Myers-Briggs [x]: ISTJ, ISFJ, INFJ, INTJ, ISTP, ISFP, INFP, INTP, ESTP, ESFP, ENFP, ENFJ, ESFJ, ESTJ, ESFJ, ENFJ, ENTJ, ENTP.
The Four Temperaments [x]: Melancholic, Phlegmatic, Choleric, Sanguine.
Enneagram [x]: Type 1, Type 2, Type 3, Type 4, Type 5, Type 6, Type 7, Type 8, Type 9.
Alignment [x]: Lawful Good, Neutral Good, Chaotic Good, True Neutral, Lawful Neutral, Chaotic Neutral, Lawful Evil, Neutral Evil, Chaotic Evil
(Source: jethrocane)Wednesday the 1st of January, 2014
Monday the 28th of October, 2013
- “The same men who get off from women being brutalised and called cunts, sluts and cum-dumpsters are the ones who go on to become politicians, corporate executives, judges, media professionals, policy makers and bankers. In other words, they become the economic and cultural elite that shape the material and ideological world that determines how women – and their children – will live. Most of them will become partners and fathers. To assume that porn is mere fantasy and does not impact on the way men think and feel is to ignore decades of research on how images frame our social construction of reality.”
My problem with this quote is that it is literally assuming that any guy that’s into this in a consensual fashion is basically a misogynist. That was the conclusion of the entire snippet that I found it in. My argument is that you can’t make that jump even if its within a culturally patriarchal framework. With the research that was conducted from this article, its also making the assertion that BECAUSE women are treated in this fashion within the porn industry, it tries to make the shaky parallel that that kind of sex is questionable to begin with because they try to say, “Oh well if you google porn you won’t just find people having regular sex.”
The problem with these kinds of arguments is that it basically shoves men and women into categories. Despite the kind of culture we live in that I’m fully aware of, it doesn’t distinguish men that have issues from men that just so happen to like this kind of sex who grow up to be good fathers, friends, coworkers, and spouses who some of the time are feminists.
It also places the halo effect on women as well. It makes a really dark implication that women will ALWAYS be the victims and the madonna/whore complex that our culture STRUGGLES with rears its ugly head again in anti-porn feminist dialogue.
As feminists we can’t jump to conclusions like this.
(Source: xbeingpale)Monday the 21st of October, 2013
Friday the 28th of June, 2013
My dog got a stick stuck through his collar. It looks like it stabbed him straight through.
He didn’t even realize.
And my pitbull was chasing him around because she wanted the stick for herself.
I am a hard person to love but when I love, I love really hard.
Please don’t call yourself a feminist if you approve of BDSM.
Thursday the 30th of May, 2013
It’s one of the most misogynist things out there.
dictating how a woman chooses to express herself sexually is misogynistic
it’s also misogynistic to assume that all women undertake a sub position
it’s also heterosexist to assume that all bdsm is heterosexual
If you equate BDSM with misogyny, you clearly have no idea what BDSM is and you therefore should shut the fuck up about something you don’t understand.
(Source: amaikajitsu)Sunday the 10th of March, 2013
Fred McFeely Rogers (March 20, 1928 – February 27, 2003)
(Source: lemonyandbeatrice)Wednesday the 27th of February, 2013